What It Takes

I slouched in the passenger seat of Ricky’s shitty-looking Chevy Cavalier and cracked my knuckles. We were parked across the street from the place I had to go. I knew the building, knew the whole ‘hood pretty well, growing up on the edge of the projects like I did, like Ricky did, like all our crew did. The good feeling from the blunt me and Ricky shared earlier was fading fast, replaced by a nest of writhing snakes in my gut.

A gray-haired old woman in a blue and green flowered mu-mu crossed in front of the car without raising her eyes. She pulled one of them fold-up grocery carts behind her. I thought, if Ricky smacks the horn right now, she’ll probably have a heart attack. She wasn’t fat, but had ankles like tree trunks above her white sneakers. She tugged the cart up over the curb and limped along the cracked walk to the building.

“Hey, you goin’, hijo?” Ricky asked. He flicked his cigarette out the window. The sun had just dropped down below the buildings and the long shadows had disappeared like ghosts in daylight.

“Yeah, gimme a minute.” I wiped my clammy palms on my shorts, took a deep breath. It came back out in a long, stuttering sigh.

“You want a popper? I got a couple amyls in my pocket. Do one, then knock on the door. Give you some cojones, bro.”

I sat up, glared at him. “What, you saying I don’t got the nerve? Fuck you and your amyls. I don’t need no damn drugs to bust a cap in some asshole’s head.” I reached under the seat and grabbed the Glock, then leaned back and shoved it into the waistband of my shorts, pulled my shirt down over it. The salt in my sweat made the day-old tattoo on my chest sting.

Ricky smiled all cool. “That’s m’man.” He put out a fist. I bumped mine on it and slid out of the car. “Party with the homeboys tonight, you do this thing, Leo.”

The building was eight stories of brown brick, surrounded by a black iron gate. There was a couple short lampposts by the front stoop, but only one threw out a weak, yellow light. Some kids were playing on the steps, a little girl jumped rope on the walk.

I went round the front of the car and started across the street, wiped my hands on my ribs. Shit, they were slick with sweat again.

“Yo, perrito,” Ricky called.

“Yeah, what?”

He motioned me to him, so I came back to the car.

“You know the dude, right? Apartment 4D.”

“Yeah, Bones pointed him out to me.” I started back toward the building.

“Yo!”

“What?”

“Make sure you take it off safety first, perrito.” He grinned.

“Man, fuck you…”

Like at fourteen I’m still a “puppy.” My older brother Diego was a daddy at fourteen. His babymama Adriana was two years older. I don’t think pulling a trigger is any harder than making babies. Both take cajones, but you don’t gotta be grown-up to do either one.

I looked up at the row of windows on the fourth floor and crossed the street. Music came from one of them on an upper floor, but the hum and rattle of the dripping air conditioners in most of the others nearly drowned it out.

The little girl jumping rope stopped and smiled up at me, front teeth missing. The girls on the steps only threw glances at me as I went into the building.

I decided to take the stairs up. It would give me time to think, which maybe wasn’t such a good thing. I could feel my whole body vibrating. It wasn’t I was shaking, but more like everything in me was buzzing like a power line.

I pulled the gun from my waist and flicked off the safety. Then I stuck it in the back of my shorts and climbed the stairs. When I got up to the fourth floor, I peeked through the strip of wired glass in the metal emergency door. I couldn’t see shit. I wiped my face with the hem of my shirt and pushed the door open, looked down the hallway before stepping into it. It stank of cat piss.

The hall went off to my left. I followed it past the elevators. The grime was so thick on the cracked linoleum floor, I couldn’t tell what color it was supposed to be. Most of the walls had graffiti on them, some in spray paint, a lot in pencil and Sharpie. I could hear music, and people talking. A TV blared some game show from behind one of the doors I passed.

I came to 4D. The door was painted a gross pale yellow, a rotten-egg-yellow, and looked like some little kid had smeared shit all over the bottom half. I looked up and down the hall. Nobody. I tried to pray a Padre Nuestro real quick, but couldn’t remember the words after the first few lines. I tried again. I knew the damn prayer but the words wouldn’t come to me. God probably didn’t want to hear my prayer right before shooting the brains out of some dude I don’t even know.

Get it done and they gonna throw me a party. Get drunk, get laid. And Diego, he’ll know that I’ma be okay, I can take care of Mama and Adriana and little Roberto. I know he’s been worried. A few months ago when me and Mama went to visit him, he said, “Leo, you gotta be the man while I’m locked up. You gotta look after them. You’re young, but not too young to be a man.”

I took out the gun but kept my hand behind my back. Sweat was stinging my eyes, scorching the spot on my chest. I knocked on the door. A little dog started to yip behind it. I heard steps coming up to it and prayed again, this time that I wouldn’t piss myself.

The door opened. It was the old woman with the tree-trunk ankles, varicose veins wrapped around them like vines. She had on glasses with thick lenses, one of them scratched up. The little dog, same frizzy gray as her hair, looked up with black bead eyes and growled, about as scary as a teddy bear. The smell of bacon, and of arroz y frijoles wafted out into the hall like perfume, covering the stink.

“Si?” Behind her, sitting at a table, eating and watching a TV was Tomaso, the dude I was to take out. He didn’t seem to notice that someone was at the door, kept eating and watching TV. He looked a little bit like my brother Diego, but older, maybe three, four years. Old lady musta been his abuela.

When Ricky first told me what it would take to come into the gang, I was ready. I knew from Diego how it would go down. I got through being jumped in, no problem. I felt I’d been dragged over a demolition site after, took weeks for some of the bruises to go away. But it felt good, too, on the inside, knowing I took it like a man. This here was my final test. I could pop the old lady and get Tomaso, too. Or I could just knock her out of the way and get up close to Tomaso before he could even get up from the table. I was ready. But Tomaso was eating, watching TV. He wasn’t coming at me, was holding a fork, not a gun. If I shouted his name, he might come at me. Then I’d have reason to pop him.

Something didn’t seem right. The fear left me, but so did my reason for being here. It didn’t make sense no more. I was confused.

The old woman brushed away a fly that landed on her face. Then she looked back to me. She smiled. “Que pasa, mijo? You look for somebody?”

I swallowed. “Yeah. I’m looking for…Freddy.”

“Lo siento. No Freddy. No Freddy live here.”

I nodded and she closed the door. I flipped the safety back on the Glock, slipped it back into my waistband and took the elevator down. I didn’t think my Jell-O knees could handle the stairs. But the nest of serpents was gone.

I came out of the building into the growing darkness. Ricky had moved to this side of the street and had the engine running. His eyes were wide, questioning me. I shrugged and got into the car.

“Well, Leo?”

I put the gun back under the seat. “He wasn’t there. Just an old lady and her dog.”

I felt more like a man than I ever had.

Undomesticated Violence

A little writing exercise in keeping the action going, inspired by Kiss With a Fist by Florence and the Machine.


 

“Don’t, Cherie. I’m warning you…” I could see her deliberating, weighing the consequences. Behind the storm in her eyes I thought I saw a lightning-flash of delight as I threw down the gauntlet. She picked it up, along with a heavy crystal ashtray which she hurled at my head. It passed close enough to my left ear that I could almost hear the death-cries of snuffed out smokes.

She yelled “Kiss my ass!” as it crashed into the glass of the china cabinet behind me. A shower of shards rained on the back of my head and neck.

“I warned you, dammit! You’re in for it now!” I lunged at the dining room chair standing in my way, tossed it aside and reached for her shoulder. She did a one-eighty and ran from me, and my hand clutched air. I came down hard on my knees, cursing, but was up the next second, right behind her. She slid on the polished wood floor into the back of the sofa, ricocheted off it right into me. I caught her by the wrist. She whimpered, let out a little cry like a snared fox, and slapped me in the face, hard. I smacked her back.

Blood trickled from her lip to her chin. She swiped at it with the back of her free hand, narrowed her eyes and spit in my face. Reflexively, I let go. “You little bitch…” I could feel my blood pressure rising.

She ran into the living room and snatched an empty wine bottle from the coffee table.

I stopped in my tracks. “Cherie, you crack my skull, you’ll go to jail and I’ll–”

“Go to hell!” Cherie let it fly. I ducked and the sucker stuck in the drywall behind me. We both stared at it a moment and I turned back to her.

“Oh, babe, you are so going to pay for that.”

“Bite me.”

“I intend to.”

She turned toward the hall. I grabbed a throw pillow from the sofa and threw it over her head. It landed in front of her, tripped her up, cushioned her shins as she fell on her face.

“Gotcha!” I threw myself at her, meant to tackle and pin her, but quick as a whip-lash, she was up and running as fast as I went down. She ran into the bedroom, slammed the door. I heard the lock click.

“You’re in trouble now, girl.” I leaned on the door to catch my breath, wondered what I might catch on the other side of it. Best not to let her have too much time to think. I backed up a couple feet and slammed my boot heel into the door by the knob. It flew open.

The moment I set foot in the room, something crashed down on my skull. There was a stupefying supernova of light followed by a swirling maelstrom of stars. I waited for them to fade. “Geezus, what the fuck was that?” I looked down at the shattered glass and heavy silver-plated frame of our wedding photo, then looked at Cherie. Her chin jutted out in a self-satisfied grin, challenge glinted in her eyes. Blood trickled into mine. I grabbed the hem of my t-shirt and wiped my face. Cherie stood there waiting for me to make a move.

I took a step in her direction and she threw out a punch. I caught her tiny fist in one hand and laughed. She tried to slap me with the other, and I fished the air until I hooked her wrist. With my head cocked back, looking down my nose at her, I danced her backwards to the bed. She tried to wrench herself from my grip, but I tightened my hold until she cursed and stopped jerking away. When the mattress was behind her, I gave her a shove. She bounced onto it.

She stared, momentarily frozen, like she could read my mind. There was blood smeared across her chin, and her hair was damp with sweat, sticking to her skin at her temples and brow. My bloodied t-shirt was clinging to me.

Suddenly she rolled, scrambled to the nightstand. I snatched her by one ankle and yanked her back. She twisted and flipped onto her back again, breaking my hold. She landed a heel in my crotch.

“Dammit!” It was enough of a blow to make me grab my junk, but not enough to double me over. She smiled, and again reached for the nightstand. She opened the drawer and shoved in a hand. I flipped her onto her back and threw myself on her, but she had the gun and smacked the side of my head with it.

I cursed and grabbed her wrist, shook it hard and the gun flew from her hand, knocking over the St. Jude votive candle she’d lit that morning. Cherie squirmed, looked up into my face.

“What now, Cherie?” I had my hands around her small wrists, my body heavy on hers, both of us breathing in the same cubic inches of heated air between us. A curl of smoke, an odor a bit like burning paper, a little like burning hair, rose from beside the bed. She thrashed beneath me, tried without success to get her teeth into my forearm.

She thought I was cheating on her. This time she claimed it was with my boss’ wife. It was bullshit, of course, but my boss apparently trusted his wife about as much as Cherie trusted me. I’d come back to the machine shop from lunch to find a new padlock on my locker and all my shit in a brown paper grocery sack. Cherie couldn’t keep a job for two weeks, so we’d likely be homeless if I couldn’t find another gig soon.

Tears welled up in her eyes. “I hate you!” she spat.

“Yeah, well I hate you, too, you insane bitch!”

The carpet was aflame, and we were rage-fucking like animals when the police and fire department broke in.